“There is never a
convenient time to become a foster parent.” –Mary Carol Pederson, co-founder of
The CALL of Arkansas
------------------------------------
By Jared Broyles
No guy wants to publicly admit that he doesn’t want to take
in hurting children who need a loving home; especially when his wife comes
across as the suburban Mother Theresa of North America.
The following paragraphs are advice from men who have been
where you are. One of them wrestled with whether they should foster and/or
adopt. The other initiated the talk with their wife. But, both have one thing
in common with you: they were afraid. They had very real fears for their
children, their spouses, and themselves.
I have spent that past three years sharing the need for
foster families at countless churches. I have sat in on dozens of information
meetings, and talked with a lot of couples along the way. Often, I’ve heard the
same story from women: “I’m ready to foster now, but he’s just not there yet.”
You can see her disappointment and witness the frustration on his face. No man
wants to hurt or disappoint his wife, but it’s also easy to resent feeling
forced into a life-changing decision.
I think there’s also an unspoken sense of shame that comes
with the internal battle. James 1:27 is clear that we are to care, but the
question most men ask is: “How does that apply to me?”
This article is dedicated to Ben Storie and Craig Carter; two fathers who
have inspired me with their
stories. Their insight will be
invaluable for any man who’s struggling to surrender to the calling of God to
care for the orphan. I am grateful to them for their transparent participation.
------------------------------------
“Someone has to father
them, and Christians need to step up to the plate and do what they were already
called to do.” –Craig Carter, new foster father
------------------------------------
Fear is a very real emotion experienced by almost every
potential foster parent; especially men. It is a feeling that should not be
ignored but addressed. Fear is the monster that can lurk in the shadows of our
mind or the dragon we can confront and slay. I like what Pastor Charles Stanley
has to say about it: “Fear stifles our thinking and actions. It creates
indecisiveness that results in stagnation.” The command to care for orphans
found in James 1:27 is too clear for us to ignore it in the face of fear. We
must not be frozen by fear but compelled to care in spite of it.
Ben is an adoptive dad who shared what he came to realize
were unfounded concerns.
“I worried that the children in the foster system wouldn’t
be ‘normal’. I have worked with foster children as a counselor for a number of
years and knew this wasn’t true—but I still had the irrational belief that they
wouldn’t be as smart, as talented, have as much potential or be as physically
healthy as children who hadn’t been in the foster system,” Ben said. “All of
these concerns are also possible with biological children. We can’t predict or
guarantee the future; of ourselves or our children.”
Meanwhile, new foster father Craig had concerns for his own
family.
“The biggest fear was getting a child that might be out of
control and negatively affect our own children,” he shared.
Ben was able to work through his fears by recalling what he
has learned about foster children through his work as a professional counselor.
“There have been a number of children I’ve worked with that
were athletically, musically, and intellectually gifted,” Ben reflected. “Many
were beautiful. Many were hilarious. So, by having some back-to-reality
conversations about what I do know about this population of children, it was a
little easier to challenge those irrational fears.”
Ben and his wife Tonya also found it helpful to consider the
stories of two adopted friends; one of whom was the product of a rape. He
describes them as very high-functioning, successful people. Craig addressed the
fears for his own children by recognizing that he and his wife have the
opportunity to make choices for their family.
“We have the option to be cautious about the children that
we take, and as advised in our training, we will more than likely not consider
taking a child that is older than our youngest child unless the Lord leads us
that way,” he explained.
While adoptive parents Ben and Tonya shared many of the same
concerns, foster dad and mom Craig and his wife Sheryl’s differed.
“The main difference is that I like to take things slow and
think them through,” Craig said. “Sheryl was ready to dive in head first and
would probably have about 20 kids in our home if I didn’t reel her back in
occasionally.”
That is a story repeated often by men who are considering
fostering. Often time women are ready to take in children long before men are.
Know that you are not alone. It’s a process you must work through by yourself
and together as a couple. The beauty of marriage is that it is a partnership.
You should bring balance to one another. Often, women help men understand God’s
heart for hurting children, while men can help their wives keep their hearts in
check and rely on godly wisdom to make decisions about how fostering and/or
adopting will affect their family.
Although they have only fostered two children so far, Craig
says they haven’t encountered any of the fears he had.
“It has definitely been a bigger blessing than I could have
imagined,” according to Craig. “We said that we would not take a baby and ended
up with a baby as our first foster child. To say that she is very much a part
of our family is an understatement.”
But the Stories’ adoption took some getting used to for
their extended family. Inter-racial fostering or adoption can be something that
you openly embrace, but it may be a struggle for others; especially those who
love you. Often it’s not an issue of racism on their part, but of concern about
the racists that you and the child may face. Raising a child of another or
mixed race to know, experience, and understand their own culture can also
present challenges.
“We are a Caucasian family with some Native American
heritage also,” Ben explained.” “Our adopted daughter is Caucasian and African
American, which was a little bit of an adjustment to some of our extended
family initially—I think it was just an adjustment for our family to now have a
different race represented. It wasn’t too difficult or very long before our
daughter won everyone over easily.”
The truth is that the process to become a foster and/or
adoptive parent is often long and tiring. Both dads admit that’s the hardest part.
“The waiting,” Ben said when asked what was the most
difficult part of the process. “We felt like giving up several times. If we
weren’t waiting for anything other than a living, breathing, orphaned child we
would have walked away from the process.” But they didn’t. “Trying to pray for
and imagine our little girl without any idea of who she was or if she was alive
yet was a big challenge that required constant surrender to God and prayer.”
Craig agreed. “Probably just the waiting period to get
through the training, paperwork, etc. There are lots of things required to do
in your home and it almost makes you feel like you were an inadequate parent
when you hadn’t done those things for your own children.”
When asked about what was the simplest step in the process,
Craig replied: “I can’t say that there is an easy part to this process.
Ultimately, our only job is to love them [the children], teach them, and work
to get the reunified with their natural parents.”
The two men do dispel the myth that the paperwork is the most
overwhelming part.
“I think this part is the most daunting to people who are
interested in the process,” Ben wrote. “It was a little tedious and
time-consuming but none of it was really hard.”
Craig makes a good point. “Paperwork is a part of life. We
have bank statements, taxes at the end of year, medical paperwork, the list
goes on. There were times when things got a little personal in the home study,
but in the end, is a child not worth all of those things?”
Paperwork aside, the pressure to be perfect for a home study
can also be unsettling. Many times men are put off by the level of scrutiny on
their homes, family, and themselves. But Ben says it’s not that big of a deal.
“The process is thorough in a sense, but it’s really not
that bad. I’d compare it to a thorough job interview,” Ben explained. “They
visit your home and make sure it is kid-friendly, but no one went through our
drawers or closets and we never felt embarrassed or uncomfortable with the
kinds of questions they asked.”
In the end, we all want these children to be protected. They
are in state care because they have been neglected and/or abused. The point of
the process is to insure that these kids don’t end up in another home where
they will injured emotionally and physically. We should understand that, accept
that, and embrace that. Although the wait can be maddening, one social worker I
knew compared it to pregnancy. She would say, “It takes 9 months to have a
biological child. The process may take time, but we give you one sooner than
that.”
---------------------------------------------
“It is a risk we take when we care for broken children.” –Ben Storie
---------------------------------------------
Many men are concerned about the background of the children
who are coming into their homes; particularly if they’ve been sexually abused
and/or have behavioral issues. They worry they could be accused of abuse or
that the children might act out in a way they can’t handle or hurt their other
children.
“We have to be very cautious about taking children that are
older or could potentially harm our children,” Craig stated. “While we hope
that we never have to call DHS to pick up a child, we have agreed to foster, we
absolutely can never neglect our own children and understand that there might
be times that it’s just not a good placement.”
Ben advises setting boundaries beforehand.
“You set the rules here about what you can or can’t do. If
it’s not something you’re able to do then be strong enough to say, “no” before
you find yourself in a difficult situation.” He admits that there is some risk
involved. “I’m sure that someone has been falsely accused by a hurting or
attention-seeking child. This may not happen to most of us, but it is a risk we
take when we care for broken children. Count the cost before you begin this
work and prayerfully consider if you’re up for the challenge.”
It’s important for men to be able to communicate their
concerns to their wives without being defensive or dismissive of their spouse’s
desire to foster and/or adopt.
“All concerns need to be addressed up front with
gentleness,” Craig advised. “We can’t take the chance of a child coming in and
potentially ruining a marriage. Communication is the key and hopefully the wife
will not be defensive, but prayerfully support her husband and his concerns.”
Ben says to keep it simple. “Just be honest. Share your
concerns. If you feel like there is a communication breakdown between the two
of you regarding this subject then find a pastor or counselor to help you
navigate the decision-making process.”
Not surprisingly, these dads point to prayer as an important
part of the decision-making process.
“Be educated on the subject,” Ben recommended. “It helps to
know how to pray once you know more about the subject you’re interceding for. I
would avoid asking others who are ignorant about the process or do not exhibit
a great deal of wisdom in their own lives. As you gain more information and
insight into the process it takes a lot of mystery and fear out of it.”
Craig offers similar advice in asking advice of other foster
fathers. “Seek counsel from men that have been in these shoes. Pray for clarity
in the decision to foster or adopt and that God’s will would be done.”
The foster fathers are adamant that you and your wife must
be on the same page in this stage of life. As Ben quoted from Matthew 12: “A house divided against itself will not
stand.”
“Bringing a child into your family, biological or adopted,
is a life-changing decision,” Ben said. “Making this decision without being
united as a couple and family will create chaos and bring harm to yourselves as
well as the hurting child who so desperately needs your unconditional love and acceptance.”
Craig foresees the issues couples could experience if they
aren’t in agreement.
“If both parents aren’t on board, it’s going to be very
overwhelming for one parent to take on this responsibility. There would also be
problems in the marriage.”
Fostering and adopting has been a learning experience for
the men.
“I love our adopted daughter as much as our biological
daughter,” Ben shared. “It took time to bond and connect like any relationship,
but she belongs in our family. She just fits.”
Craig called it a rewarding experience.
“None of my concerns have even become an issue. The love
that you can pour into these young ones and how quickly they adapt to your
family and your hugs and your care for them is amazing.”
There is a long list of questions men need to ask themselves
before they commit to foster care or adoption: Why am I doing this? How will
this affect the other children living in my home? Realistically, what age,
gender, race or mental/emotional/physical needs can our family accommodate?
What characteristics of a foster case are absolutely not an option for our
family and what do we feel we could handle? i.e. special education, diseases
such as AIDS, a child born out of incest, etc. Can we afford this financially
and emotionally? Can our extended family accept an adopted/foster child? How am
I going to handle discipline (when I cannot spank the child)?
Craig found the real life stories of other foster dads,
their experiences, their victories and their failures helpful in his own journey
to fostering. Ben also found others’ stories helpful but says he did a lot of
internet searches on the subject of adoption and read whatever he could find.
He joined Facebook groups and talked with adult peers/friends who were adopted.
“I became a student of the process and of the subject matter,” he explained.
There’s no doubt that you and your wife aren’t the only ones
who will be affected. If you have children at home, or even grown children, you
need to consider their feelings as well. It’s not a one-and-done talk but a
continuing conversation.
“Just as it’s important to make sure myself and Sheryl were
on board, we were very careful to also see how each one of our children felt
about this,” Craig shared. “We specifically talked about the fact that they
[the children in care] would come from special circumstances and often times
that things might not be fair. One of the things we saw immediately from our
youngest upon taking the baby was that she felt a little ‘replaced’ as the
baby. She saw that the ‘baby’ never got in trouble,” but through communication
and prayer this obstacle was quickly overcome.”
Ben offers perspective as a professional counselor:
“Jealousy is normal in every sibling relationship. When younger biological
siblings come home from the hospital, it’s really common for older siblings to
be jealous. This is no different than adoption [or fostering]. Existing
children in the home simply need to be reminded with words and actions that
they are still loved, accepted, and connected with mom and dad.”
That’s something he and his wife have done with their oldest
daughter.
“Once we decided to go through with the [adoption] process,
we began talking about it with our daughter, who was six years old at the
time,” Ben said. “We only shared age-appropriate information. We described the
process in terms she understood. It was challenging because there was no
predicted arrival date—or a guarantee that we would have an arrival date. So,
we just talked about it. A lot.”
These men say most of their fears were unfounded.
“It wasn’t nearly as scary or uncertain as we thought,” Ben told
me. “We were a little intimidated at first when we brought her home, but we
just took it one day at a time and it’s been a wonderful experience.” Craig has
had a similar experience. “It’s been a lot easier than we expected, but we know
that each case is going to be very different. When we got the baby, we did
think she might be scared of us, not knowing who we are and taking a few days
to adjust. It was quite the opposite. She came through the door smiling ear to
ear and hasn’t stopped since. With our older [foster] child, she also came
through the door excited to live with us until she could be reunited with her
parents whom she prays for every night.”
Like Moses before God, there is a long list of excuses of
why you shouldn’t foster: We already have kids. My kids are FINALLY out of the
house. We’re retired; this is our time. The thing is, if God intends for you to
care for children in their distress, He won’t relent. In fact, He will be relentless.
Craig offers this advice: “I would say read the verse James
1:27 and seriously pray to God and see if He is leading you to do this. It
doesn’t matter what we want or where we have been or where we think we are
going. We must be in His perfect will and be obedient to His calling. I think a
lot of people are avoiding God’s calling because He never intended for these
orphans to be uncared for.”
Ben does admit that adoption isn’t for everyone. “However,
we are all commanded in scripture to care for the orphan and the widow. There
are other ways to show our care than adoption [or fostering]. So, I would
encourage anyone, man or woman, to explore how they can express their
God-required care to an orphan.”
Our perspective of the modern day orphan must change. Historically,
orphans have been considered children whose parents have died. Today, children
are separated from their parents for many reasons including neglect and abuse.
Sometimes their parents simply are not equipped to care for them. That doesn’t
make them any less of an orphan. They need a mother AND a father.
It’s easy to think that the calling to care for children in
foster care is for someone else. But, Craig challenges that excuse.
“There is a shortage of Christians who are doing their part,
and if everyone says it’s someone else’s job, then the job doesn’t get done.”
The two have a warning for men who are waiting for God to
hit them over the head before they commit.
“I’d say that can be arranged,” Ben ventured. “If God has
called you to something, you’ll know it. It will invade your thoughts, your
dreams and your plans. You’ll hear something in a sermon, a song or a
conversation. It will come up in your Bible reading or in a news story. If God
is calling you to love the orphan in a specific way, He won’t be bashful about
making it known in your life. Then, it’s up to you what you’ll do with it.”
Craig was more direct: “I think that many times He is
hitting them over the head and they are just avoiding it. Why else would there
be so many children needing homes and not enough homes to care? God is hitting
someone on the head and they are not responding.”
In the end, these godly men urge you to prepare.
“Pray. Prepare your heart to receive a child,” Ben
encouraged. “Surrender your idea of the perfect child to God and be open to
receive the child He has for you.” Craig echoed those words. “Pray…there is
nothing better. Pray for the process, the child you will get, their family,
your children and for God’s strength and love to fill you on this new journey.
Pray that you will always seek reunification no matter how in love you are with
the child.”
---------------------------------------------
“I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.” –Psalm 34:4
---------------------------------------------
Ben Storie is a Licensed Professional Counselor in
Fort Smith, AR where he resides with his wife Tonya and two daughters Maggie
and Eva. He is passionate about adoption advocacy and enjoys jogging,
songwriting and the occasional nap.
Craig Carter is the 42 year old
husband to Sheryl and father to 4 daughters, Abby, Ally, Ashlyn & Anniston,
plus several foster daughters that have come through or currently live in his
home. Craig is the CFO of Belmont Management and enjoys serving on the local
school board and several church committees at First Baptist Lavaca, AR. In his
spare time, he enjoys activities with his family and looks forward to sharing
that family time with the many children that God will continue to place in his
home whether for a week or a year or longer.
No comments:
Post a Comment